Bigfoot Chase getting Comical

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    Anonymous

      New Straits Times » Columns

      Amir Muhammad on Thursday:
      Bigfoot to put in appearance
      28 Dec 2006

      HELL hath no fury like a beast ignored.

      Irked by what he sees as “a dire lack of publicity” in the closing weeks of the year, Bigfoot will make a surprise appearance in the next few days.

      This is so that he will qualify, albeit belatedly, as one of the top news stories of 2006… and then make a lot of money from it.

      In a statement released by his agent Solomon Boo, Bigfoot says: “It has come to my attention that recent developments, particularly in my home state of Johor, have wiped me completely off the news.

      “I will remedy this soon by making my first-ever public appearance.

      “I might even sign autographs, if the price is right.”

      Boo declined to elaborate on when and where this appearance will take place.

      But he says: “Bigfoot has an advantage over other beings because his mere appearance is bound to create a sensation. He doesn’t have to sing or even say a word!

      “He just has to, like, stand there.”

      When asked if Bigfoot’s planned gesture is merely a cheap publicity gimmick aimed at reviving interest in the flagging legend, Boo says: “This is true. Bigfoot is a terribly insecure thing. He hates the fact that no one is talking about him any more.

      “He now realises that it’s time to ditch the carefully maintained aura of secrecy that has been his trademark up to now.”

      For years, Bigfoot has kept locals tingling with anticipation by only indirectly hinting at his own existence.

      He has hopped on only one foot at a time, to leave mysterious single prints.

      He has cleared away any evidence of droppings, and has craftily fooled nearby inhabitants by sometimes disguising himself as an unusually hirsute tourist, complete with bandana and sunglasses.

      “The time for subtlety has now gone,” Boo explains.

      “Although his tasteful, elegant silence intrigued folks in the beginning, people have a tendency to move on to the next big thing.

      “Punters no longer want footprints; they want the real deal. This is why he needs to grab the spotlight with a vengeance.

      “Along the way, he will also provide much cheer to the people of Johor, accustomed by now to so much bad news, from Mawi’s break-up, the bridge cancellation and now the floods.”

      Checks by this worthy organ show that Bigfoot’s motives may have a financial basis as well.

      It is understood that a prominent telco will sponsor this surprise appearance for quite a bit of moolah, in return for a few favours, including exclusive use of his first public words as a ringtone.

      Bigfoot will also be endorsing a new shampoo product that is designed “to keep you looking silky from head to toe”.

      Boo half-heartedly defends his client’s mercenary intentions.

      “Yes, he is a greedy bugger,” he concedes. “But he has spent a lot of money over the years in bribing witnesses to stay quiet when they accidentally caught sight of him.

      “This is not to mention the cost of all those costumes he needed as disguises. So now it’s time he got something back.”

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    • #1830

      Anonymous
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        New Straits Times » Columns

        Amir Muhammad on Thursday:
        Bigfoot to put in appearance
        28 Dec 2006

        HELL hath no fury like a beast ignored.

        Irked by what he sees as “a dire lack of publicity” in the closing weeks of the year, Bigfoot will make a surprise appearance in the next few days.

        This is so that he will qualify, albeit belatedly, as one of the top news stories of 2006… and then make a lot of money from it.

        In a statement released by his agent Solomon Boo, Bigfoot says: “It has come to my attention that recent developments, particularly in my home state of Johor, have wiped me completely off the news.

        “I will remedy this soon by making my first-ever public appearance.

        “I might even sign autographs, if the price is right.”

        Boo declined to elaborate on when and where this appearance will take place.

        But he says: “Bigfoot has an advantage over other beings because his mere appearance is bound to create a sensation. He doesn’t have to sing or even say a word!

        “He just has to, like, stand there.”

        When asked if Bigfoot’s planned gesture is merely a cheap publicity gimmick aimed at reviving interest in the flagging legend, Boo says: “This is true. Bigfoot is a terribly insecure thing. He hates the fact that no one is talking about him any more.

        “He now realises that it’s time to ditch the carefully maintained aura of secrecy that has been his trademark up to now.”

        For years, Bigfoot has kept locals tingling with anticipation by only indirectly hinting at his own existence.

        He has hopped on only one foot at a time, to leave mysterious single prints.

        He has cleared away any evidence of droppings, and has craftily fooled nearby inhabitants by sometimes disguising himself as an unusually hirsute tourist, complete with bandana and sunglasses.

        “The time for subtlety has now gone,” Boo explains.

        “Although his tasteful, elegant silence intrigued folks in the beginning, people have a tendency to move on to the next big thing.

        “Punters no longer want footprints; they want the real deal. This is why he needs to grab the spotlight with a vengeance.

        “Along the way, he will also provide much cheer to the people of Johor, accustomed by now to so much bad news, from Mawi’s break-up, the bridge cancellation and now the floods.”

        Checks by this worthy organ show that Bigfoot’s motives may have a financial basis as well.

        It is understood that a prominent telco will sponsor this surprise appearance for quite a bit of moolah, in return for a few favours, including exclusive use of his first public words as a ringtone.

        Bigfoot will also be endorsing a new shampoo product that is designed “to keep you looking silky from head to toe”.

        Boo half-heartedly defends his client’s mercenary intentions.

        “Yes, he is a greedy bugger,” he concedes. “But he has spent a lot of money over the years in bribing witnesses to stay quiet when they accidentally caught sight of him.

        “This is not to mention the cost of all those costumes he needed as disguises. So now it’s time he got something back.”

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